Jul 16, 2012

Running On Empty

Like the song...
Running On Empty.
That's how I feel.
Well actually, nothing like the song. 
That's about some guy, who's running behind. I think he might drive an 18 wheeler, but not sure. I always liked the way Jackson Browne sang it.

I do feel empty some of the time. More than some... if I were to be completely honest, which I am not.

I am running. Not sure where I am headed but I am not going to quit... ever. Well, at least not in the near future.
I bought a treadmill. 
Figured I needed the exercise and could use the endorphins. 
Plus I have killer calves when I run. 
Problem is, I hate running, hence the lack of killer calves. 
Since I seem to find lots of things I dislike lately I figured I may as well run despite the dislike.
Really, that was my logic. 

So, I am running and most days it feels pretty empty. I watch bad TV when I run. Earbuds drive me insane even though I love music when I run. I put CMT on, but it's ridiculous running music. 
I switch to MTV.... where did the music go? Where did John Cougar Mellencamp go? 
I'm sure he was the first music video to appear on MTV. 
I remember coming home one Saturday night. My brother and I turned on MTV and there he was,  John Cougar. Remember when he went by that name? Then I found out he was related to President Reagan. 
For some reason that shocked me, like it was illegal for the President of the United States to be related in any way to MTV. 
After MTV I am left with Housewives, House hunters, What Not To Wear and My Big Redneck Wedding. 
So, this is what my life has come to.

 I run. I am trying to work through some life while running. I fill myself everyday, with God, my writing, running.... but somedays I still feel empty. 
Being honest.

My world has withered this last year. I accept that... okay, not really. I am seeking truth through it, recognizing God has this covered. 
I have bought into some lies. Lies that tell me, I am only as good as what I accomplish each day, who I spend time with.
These are important but the reality is God has brought me to a different place and moment in life. 
One that I am uncomfortable in. 
I am a people person... and I am short a few people. 
I am trying to hold on and trust.
I keep reminding mysef not to waste this time. 
Not a moment. 
He is calling me to Him, yet I resist, because... I . Am. Stubborn. 
Am not.

When I look at my life, I see blessing upon blessing, opportunity upon opportunity. 
And now I see a quiet time. 
I know what I am supposed to be doing with my time, but I have not found myself worthy to begin.

I run everyday but I don't call myself a runner. I write everyday, yet I hesitate to call myself a writer.
I complain everyday, so I am a complainer. I whine everyday, so I am a whiner.
You get the point. There are many things I will call myself, but I hesitate when it is something positive. Why is that? 
Do you do this? Stop.

I could tell you that I have a right to feel this way, act this way.
I moved... a long way away.  My youngest went to college. Empty Nest. I lost my community, girlfriends, sisters, relationships, church, work.
My dad died.
 In a 4 month period. 

I don't think that gives me the right to throw the blessings back at God. I do think he loves me, cares about the details, listens. He is patient with me.
He has shown me truth.

I have an opportunity before me. Will I use it?

Speak truth. I need to seek it each day. I know truth... Truth lives in me.
Speak it.

Are you speaking truth into your life, or are you letting circumstances lead you?
How can you start speaking truth, today?

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