Jul 18, 2014

The Son I Wasn't Promised...

  Twenty one years ago today I lived in a cabin in the big woods. Summer would mean open windows that brought songs of birds singing sweet to my soul.
Fish to lure from the lake, that repeated the clouds passing overhead. 
Beauty to my eyes. 
A canoe and boat that would take you to the other side, where toads and frogs would hide in mud, ducking under water as you passed by. 
At night the fire flies would take wing and light up the warm air, but not enough to miss the glorious night sky of July.
This is where we brought the baby boy, the one that only held blue eyes for a day, quickly turning liquid chocolate. The boy I was not promised or even dreamed about if I am truthful.

None of us are promised a blue or pink baby, a family, a life planned by us. Some of us are given this opportunity to grow a baby and then grow them up. I do not understand why I was given this joy while others cry out and pray for years... I don't know... why are some prayers answered, as we desire and ask, while others seem to go unanswered?
I am still learning... these prayers are not ignored. 
God has not walked away. He has not left us. Remember Job? God never explained why He did what He did. He redeemed him in the end. He never left him and He never leaves us.

I am reading Christine Caine's book Undaunted. She reminds me not to fear in this life of unknowns. I am not in control and that is good. The struggle of faith and fear will stake its claim, never doubt who rules the fear... the father of lies and darkness. 
Mathew 28:19-20 reminds us, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." 
Not sometimes... but ALWAYS. Christ's words to you and me. 
Matthew 14:22-33 - Peter in the boat is a great visual reminder to us of how God reacts to us.
Peter stepped out walking on water to Jesus. Then a BIG wave rolls up... Okay now I'm gonna doubt you Lord. Surely you can help me in the calm but when it gets really stormy I'm gonna take my eyes off of YOU and trust in me.... what?! 
Peter was deceived by fear.
That's pretty much what happened.
And he goes down...
But not quite...
Jesus reaches down and catches Peter immediately.... not after he's near drowned, but immediately!
Don't miss that! 
Jesus says, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?

I think back to my ultrasound with this boy. The technician moving the wand over my belly, holding it too long in a certain area. 
Placenta previa she stated... the hubs immediately thinking back to that six week OB rotation and the difference between placenta previa and placenta abruptia.  
This child I had not dreamed of two years before... now I hold dear to my heart. "Please Lord, protect this baby."
I had not dreamed of him because I was a single mom of a darling baby girl. 
A widow at twenty eight. 
A time that fear and doubt tried for a stronghold in my life... daily. 
God would prevail in my sorry faith... He would call to me, "Daughter of little faith, why do you doubt? I am with you always." 

So this boy I did not have the guts to dream of... he arrived and changed our family.
He melded us, softened us in rough places. A sister and brother of such sweetness... our family became a rich canvas I would feast my eyes on daily, always noticing something different, new, humbling me.
I am left in awe and gratitude to God for His mercy and grace on me. Though there will always be suffering among our joy, we must remember to look up, away from ourselves, our situation and draw on TRUTH. 
God may not explain or heal us as we ask, but His ways are better than our ways. 
He is good no matter what or where we find ourselves today.

Today my son turns twenty one. 
I have had the privilege to be his mama. To encourage, challenge and push him. To listen to his hopes and dreams... his fears and concerns. 
I am thankful that we never quit on one another. 
I am ever grateful today, as I am each morning, for another day to celebrate being a child of the Kingdom of God. To know the peace of God, even amidst life's storms.  
Especially amidst the storms.

These few short years we get to raise these babies... a fleeting moment. Even if you are home with four or five. Breathe deeply and pray. Pray for wisdom, contentment and courage.
You are brave mamas (and pops)... so we celebrate families today. 
Whatever you look like. Big or small or somewhere in the middle. The book nerd, the goof ball, the wanna be athlete, the kid who succeeds easily. 
Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world... and we are all those little children. 

 Happy Birthday my sweet Daniel.


  1. I love your honesty and the way you share Jesus. Your words always bring my eyes back to Jesus and to my knees with gratitude.

  2. Thank you sweet person:) you made my morning as I read your comment. My goal is always to point us to Jesus. My words would be empty and worthless without the Spirit of God running through. Here's to a day of seeing and being Jesus! Cheers :)


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