Jun 1, 2012

The List ..... That Does Not Define Me...

You know the list... The one that gives us the run down of major life changes in one year and how much stress each one adds to our life.
I remember the first time I looked at this list. 
In one year I became a mama, became a widow, changed my work, moved.. hmm, what else? 
Really, what else could I have added at that point?

I think if you reach a certain number you die, immediately or at least your head pops off from the pressure your body is under.
 I remember (really), chuckling at that list, puffing up a bit with pride, "Ha, I survived!"
I'm not buying into any list.

Twenty two years later that list has resurfaced in my life.
 Two dear people mentioned the LIST to me in the past week, separately. I must admit I started adding up the major stressors that could affect me.

A major move, loss of friendships/support, job and work, last child going to college, death of my dad. 
Then I stopped.
I am still not buying into that list.....
However, this trip around the block I am feeling something shifting.
And I am not sure I like it.
Just being honest.
I am no wimp. 
I welcome change... but this time I am searching for what I am supposed to become through the change.

Last time was easier, I was a new mom. My job was clear and I embraced that baby girl. 
She was my job.

My struggle this time is letting go, of my plans. I hold these ideas in my head, of what God wants me to do.
Problem is they are my ideas and centered around me, instead of HIm.

Today I read a passage from Love Does, by Bob Goff. If you have not read this book.. Go. Buy. It. NOW.
Yes, it's that good.

He was talking about this game called Bigger and Better where you keep trading up. It's an old school game he taught his son to play. His son started with a dime and at the end of the day he ended up with a Dodge. Can you imagine?! Great story and another reason why you should go buy this book. 
I'm not making a dime on it really, don't even know Bob, but wish I did.
 He must be the most fun lawyer to be friends with.

Anyway, I digress.
In the book Bob says, "Actually, the real game of Bigger and Better that Jesus is playing with us isn't about money or possessions or even our hopes. It's about our pride. He asks if we'll give up that thing we're so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, and give it up to follow Him.
 He's asking us, "Will you take what you think defines you, leave it behind, and let me define who you are instead?"

This hit me, because it's not on the list of major stresses in my life, but it is the thing I am struggling with. I say I trust God, but I don't trust Him with my work for Him! 
I don't know how else to say it. 
It's pride.
I want Him to give me an important job to do, preferably yesterday!
Did you catch the important? 
That's the pride.
 He knows my heart, my love for people, for relationships, opportunities to invest in lives, especially young women.
 He has prepared me for this move, these life changes. He must have a plan.

Of course He does, however it may not be the things on my list. 
The book goes on to say, "The cool thing about taking Jesus up on His offer is that whatever controls you doesn't anymore."
We stop looking for the things we think we need, or need to be doing.

I have learned that even though I may not struggle with the worldly list of stresses, I am not off the hook. I struggle with my pride. 
My Pride says the world didn't beat me. I won. 
Truth is....  God saved me by His grace from all that tried to harm and destroy me.

I pray that I will not be defined by a list or by my pride. Instead I hope I am defined by being open to what He has for me..... today, tomorrow and the day after that. 

I beg God to define me, everyday.

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