Living Social... We Are Breaking Up

Living Social... my crush is over. We are about to break up.
It's all Groupon from here on.
You are like a cheap Persian rug in comparison.

I fall for your clever lines and buy a facial treatment. 

Five minutes into my appointment I am feeling like I need to get up and switch places. I become a social worker... and want to hug the poor girl trying to make me look better.

Honey, please leave out a few details when sharing your life with me. Don't make me hire a therapist when I get out of your chair.

Then you lure me with cheap pizza because the name actually sounds Italian.

You smashed my dream when I looked at my sausage/pepperoni pizza and sighed with sadness. Maybe it was the lack of smell, crust that resembled a hockey puck or sausage that looked like it was shot out of a machine.

 It made Dominoes look like Little Italy.

Today was the last straw.

A microderm abrasion. Easy peasy, no biggie. Get in, get out. No harm, no foul...

Until...

Words spoken...

Again, I feel I need to switch places and do an hour long intervention. Life has been tough. She has seen it all. I'm good with sharing life. I like to love on people... 

But, I still want you to have a filter.

"Sorry about the nails, I haven't had a chance to pop them off." 

I see long, glittery, every color you can imagine finger nails, dripping with fake (I assume) diamonds.

You are going to touch my face with them? 

Great.

"This light is really bright and it doesn't matter that you have the goggles on, it's gonna go right through them," she says as she smashes a 30in screen over my face.... yeah, I might have claustrophobia, starting now.

Shouldn't you warn me before this assault? 

I push the screen back to where I can breathe again... 

"This is gonna be really intense, it took me about three Ativan and multiple times to get used to it", she shares.

Really.... did you just say that to me?!

I am taken back to the first time I put scuba gear on and went under water. Panic set in as I listened to myself breathe. It was so unnatural... similar to what I am feeling now.

Deep breaths Dale, I repeat to myself. Don't let this gal take you down... with a screen full of red lights.

You can do this.

Okay... I am used to the light now.
I'm good.

All of a sudden the light show begins. Colors are popping and blinking and it ain't pretty. We ain't making music here.

 "Whats going on," I shout.

"Oh, that goes on for about 5 minutes." 

 Are you kidding me?! 

Make it stop.....

Let's go over this again... shouldn't we walk our client through this stuff, when it might be permanently, mentally disabling?

 She is telling me about a product line, from Hungary. Very expensive and some dude created it at his kitchen table.

And tell me why would I want to put some Hungarians expensive goulash on my face?!

Phone rings.... she takes it. I hear client... a mans voice. He needs a nose wax and back wax....

I might need to leave now.

She hangs up.

I hear her on the floor.
She remarks that they should have put in different floors. 

"I didn't realize how filthy the floors are and the hair is all over."

Okay... I really gotta go.

Living Social .... you have one more shot, literally.
Only because it's paid for it and yes, I am that cheap.
After that, you can keep your Omaha Steaks (they are also like hockey pucks), your monogrammed gym set and Egyptian spa bathrobe (yeah, still waiting for that to arrive) and take a hike.

Saturday, my guy and I are gonna go shoot some guns and ya better not let me down.

Or else...

On a happier note.. my face looks like a baby's butt.

I wonder if Groupon has any dinner offers. I'm emotionally exhausted and I don't want to get this face near a stove.